Book Review
Orthodoxy and Sexuality
By: Steven Bayme
The Newlyweds Guide to Physical Intimacy. By Jennie Rosenfeld and David Ribner. Jerusalem and New York: Gefen Publishing House, 2011, 92 pp.
While paying a call upon a recently-widowed friend some years back, I casually inquired how she was adjusting to her new situation. While acknowledging some difficulty, she responded that she had adopted a young divorced Orthodox woman as personal protégé. When I expressed satisfaction that she was mentoring a young woman personally and professionally, my friend questioned me in turn: Why cant young Orthodox couples explore their sexual needs before tying the knot rather than face such pain once they are married? This new guidebook to physical intimacy, co-authored by a promising young scholar associated with Yeshiva University and a veteran director of a program in sex therapy training at Bar-Ilan University, aims to assist newly married couples in coping with such difficulties. It provides candid information that couples need to know accompanied by thoughtful guidance on handling problematic and sensitive areas. Beyond basic information the thoughtful we were wondering sections explain in depth commonly asked questions about marital sex enabling the reader to understand that sexual relations are central to marital bliss but that disappointment with them is common as well. A guide to quality resources at the conclusion of this short volume exposes the reader to the professional literature generally on the subject that supplement the Judaic perspective the book expresses.
The tone of this book is particularly refreshing. The authors avoid apologetics. Rather they confront candidly difficult and sensitive questions about halachically-sanctioned sex. The illustrations in the back, rare in a book emanating from Orthodox auspices, provide excellent teaching tools. Most important, the authors underscore that sex is primarily designed to enhance human pleasure and happiness. In this context Judaism is a very this-worldly faith that celebrates the sexual act of both genders rather than serve strictly as a vehicle for procreation. The honesty of the authors is particularly compelling in this type of literature. Never, for example, do they claim that the two weeks of sexual abstinence each month is really good for the marriage. To be sure, in some cases, abstinence may in fact enhance marital relations. In others, however, abstinence can be highly problematic and maximize tension between couples.
It is this tone and candor that sets this short volume apart and defines it as a truly Modern Orthodox guide. The authors are well-versed in the secular literature on the subject and integrate it well with Jewish teachings. The book originated as a project of Yeshiva Universitys Center for the Jewish Future, a think-tank and community services division designed to bring the teachings of Judaism into dialogue with the real world and the broader society.
With that purpose in mind, however, the work suffers from two major drawbacks: The treatment of a couples relations during the womans menstrual period is weak saying little beyond the time-worn argument that a ban on physical touching creates opportunities for couples to develop non-physical modes of intimacy. One wonders, for example, how the authors view particularly stringent prohibitions, e.g. passing the salt. Are all prohibitions equally binding? Do couples need to weigh conflicting imperatives of sexual restraint and shalom bayit? May couples compensate for the absence of sexual relations by expression of platonic forms of physical affection, e.g. a gentle hug or kiss on the cheek, rather than practice complete physical abstinence?
A similar set of questions needs to be asked for couples who are dating and those engaged to be married. The authors make no mention of the laws of negiah even for engaged couples, let alone those who are dating. In all likelihood, the authors would respond that the book is designed strictly for newlyweds. That said, however, the engagement period is one preparatory to marriage, and dating leads to romantic love and subsequent engagement. These questions are particularly compelling in the Modern Orthodox world, which long ago abandoned the shidduch model of parental matching in favor of pursuit of romantic love leading to marriage.
Ignoring or downplaying these concerns accomplishes little. For the engaged couple, questions regarding physical contact are particularly troubling. Dating couples sensitive to halacha find themselves torn between conflicting imperatives of the restrictions of niddah and those of developing a mature and loving relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
Aside from the seriousness of these issues and their relevance to marriage, the authors in practice ignore the actual sexual behaviors of Modern Orthodox Jews. Personal observations and the little scientific literature that exists suggests that in this area individuals are reaching their own conclusions and determining their own particular resolutions to conflicts between halachic dictates and the needs of a particular relationship. Many years ago, a rosh yeshiva commented to me that the issue is not a problem because 95% of the boys in my shiur observe the laws of negiah. Whether he was correct or merely naïve I cannot say. But the statement clearly does not reflect the practices of many, if not a majority of Modern Orthodox dating and engaged couples today.
To be sure, the authors may have sound reasons for skirting these issues perhaps sensitivity to their sponsors and/or deference to halachic authorities. Perhaps they themselves are troubled by these questions but choose not to voice their doubts in public. However, a guidebook on Orthodox sexual behavior warrants raising these questions even while acknowledging that completely satisfactory answers are simply not available. For example, should Modern Orthodox education strive to reduce the intensity of the rhetoric and concern with negiah violations, or do young people need to be encouraged to observe the regulations in practice? As a work grounded in pastoral counseling, the authors, minimally, owe us some exploration of a question that is deeply troubling to dating, engaged, and newly-married couples.
More generally, this small volume stands as a significant document illustrating the tenuous place Modern Orthodoxy occupies on the Jewish communal map. To invoke a metaphor, Modern Orthodox leaders frequently approach the edge of the water but fail to wade into it. The authors comprehend the significance and beauty of sexuality and articulate it quite well. They are informed by secular sources of knowledge and culture. They understand fully that there are significant points of tension between Judaic heritage and modern culture. But they appear unwilling to confront those tensions openly. I should add, in fairness to the authors, that the same might be said for Orthodox leaders with respect to questions of Biblical scholarship, cooperation with the non-Orthodox movements, Jewish gentile relations, problems of reason and faith, the meaning of revelation for moderns, and doubtless one could easily add to this list. My personal favorite concerned a leading Modern Orthodox professor of Judaic Studies, who developed a popular lecture for synagogue scholar in residence programs in which he claimed that archeological research corroborated the Biblical narrative as if there were no conflicts between archeology and Torah. One only hopes he has abandoned the lecture given the weight of recent archeological research!
Should this book, then, be utilized for purposes of Jewish education? One is tempted to answer this question affirmatively. So little exists in this area and the authors have a very user-friendly and easily-accessible style of presentation that any high school student may read and comprehend readily. There are, to be sure, issues of student maturity. The instructor may need to expect some level of giggling, especially with respect to the illustrations. More generally, as noted, the work is hardly definitive and ignores and glosses over some of the issues most salient for adolescents. The book may most profitably be utilized as a trigger for discussion. Instructors willing to go beyond the book and enter the waters fully will be doing themselves and their students a great service. They may even create models that Modern Orthodox leaders would do well to emulate.
Steven Bayme serves as National Director, Contemporary Jewish Life Department for the American Jewish Committee
